It’s been a year of experimenting with life after graduation, but there were conclusions drawn that I would so relay to my socially challenged ghost of college past:
- Eggs are cheap and delicious if you have 0 minutes to be creative about cooking and to free up cash moneys for travel and liquor.
- There are no normal guys at bars. Unless you’re into those effective communicators whose snappy, Hemingway inspired opening line is, “I like Asian girls.” (If so, past self, you are dead to me.)
- It’s also difficult to make girl friends at bars. They will probably suspect that you are a madame who wants to recruit workers to your midtown dungeon no matter how innocuous sounding your texts to their fake numbers may be.
- Corporate expense accounts are real and if cards are played right, may get you cool stuff such as the opportunity to shoot guns.
- Getting sloppy drunk on said corporate expense account is never a good idea.
- You should’ve majored in something fun, such as Irish step dance and minored in Being-a-baus, because you will not use Economics or Asian studies except when feeling the impact of the diminishing marginal utility of sushi consumption during rep meetings.
- Living in Queens is better than living in Manhattan, where everyone puts up with living in a 50×50 box with a two-headed rat-cockroach named Freddie as a 5th roommate. These urban island dwellers may be able to shorten their walk of shame to a comfortable 5 blocks, but in Queens, you will have a palatial suite to do spinning bird kicks in your underwear.
- Try not to go shopping online when you’ve been drinking. This is why you end up with a waffle pan and a PS3 move because you thought it would be fun to eat heart-shaped flour mix of empty calories while playing fake ping pong.
- The last one still sounds fun actually. But your credit card statement is still real.
- Don’t worry, the debauched adventures will keep on coming.